Yikes, Bobbi. The childhood you experienced was acutely painful in so many ways. I too was beaten by my mother, though only once, and I was able to escape-but having learned as you did o be hypervigilant for traces of emotions that could later burst out as violence. Mostly she just enforced her will by an iron grip on my tricep area- and I can still feel the imprint of her fingers there.

Her own trauma was in relation to being a woman who was suppressed, I know now, and the mixed feelings she had about males, her being a tomboy and vixen trying to both attract and please men and still be recognized as fully independent and masterfully competent.

I too remain hypervigilant about the women I meet, and categorically separate from most of the men, and feel suspended in a kind of 'how can I be known' miasma.

Your story shows how resllient and competent you actually are!

Miri