I ask because the answer will be beneficial for all of us. Understanding human experience more carefully, and defining gender more accurately will anchor society and culture in a more truthful conception of humans in relationship.
It is very clear to me that we can be satisfied with being biologically male or female or intersex , and feel perfectly normal and justified in picking and choosing from among the cultural privileges that are [so unfortunately] assigned either to males or females.
This is not strange or a fearful prospect. It is common experience. Think of a woman who wishes to be taken seriously when she speaks, or who wants to repair some of the machines in her life. Think of a man who wants to safely share his uncertainty with a friend, or a male gang member who wants to offer mercy or restrain violence.
We can easily see encouraging all these people. Their gender is simple- they are ordinary men and women just being human.
Now think of all the tomboys- girls who keep coming out to play with the boys. This often arouses concern. Will she lose female friends, her support network ? Will she become coarse in manner, and lose her attractiveness? Will she compete with the boys and later the men- aggravating them by confusing their impulses and not playing by the rules?
We’re still not confused. She is a woman who is “active”, [or energetic, or thoughtful, or…], and surely she can be persuaded, we think, to moderate her behavior and dreams to accommodate the expectations of others. We encourage her to explore more feminine styling.
Think of me. At age 4 I was reaching for my younger sister’s clothes, as a gateway to broader experience. The subsequent violent shaming and threats of public humiliation only drove me underground. Two years later came the first ritual of manhood — being told that “Boys don’t cry.” ,and subjected to a vicious stripping of emotional capacity. None of it changed my core affiliation with girly things. At 67 I still prefer to wear dresses. I still don’t find any conflict between my maleness and girliness.
You probably do. You may feel confusion- facial and body hair are deeply associated with maleness and all that entails. All the subliminal messages are in conflict.
What is my gender?
You may feel fear. My choosing to wear clothes explicitly assigned to females undermines the firewall maintained between the sexes. I am breaking a taboo, aren’t I? There has to be a reason for the taboo, doesn’t there?
Clouds of suspicion arise, trying to fit me into cultural memes somewhere. I am probably gay. If not, I might be a pervert, masquerading in public for ill purpose. Perhaps I am just an unfortunate, suffering from mental illness.
Today, thanks to many brave people coming out, you might say I am probably transgender, and trying to figure myself out. There is some talk about trans people being a ’third‘ ’gender. That is an accommodation, but sidesteps a simpler and better answer.
Let’s go back a step. In common usage, ‘gender’ means any of the following:
- a well-defined state of identity and biological being [i.e. male or female]
- a destiny in a cultural and social role with prescribed roles and associated obligations, privileges and restraints,[man or woman]
- a complementary set of styles for performing the role [masculine and feminine]
That’s comfortably comprehensive, and simple enough to understand. The critical, and faulty [false], premise is that these progressive elaborations of gender flow from reproductive anatomy and related physiology.
They don’t.
We can all see that generally men are bigger and stronger, and women are more socially adept, have softer skin, etc. The fundamental argument is that in the end, males have the job of protecting the females, and binary gender elaborations are meant to support this.
Even the most cursory look around shows that this is not realistic. The female are very often the protector of the family, the strong one, the one who makes the hard decisions.
And so it is with every mythological feature of our cultural stereotypes for men and women. A close look melts them away. The struggle for women to be recognized has finally centered on the fact that the gender binary is structured to protect male privileges that are clearly not justified.
There is no inherent male superiority. We have to start there. It is a simple, self-evident truth. And it has hampered the actual liberation of men to be what they really are.
We constantly have to suppress children’s valuable natural inclinations to reach across the binary.
Arguments are made that differentiation of labor and privilege should flow from anatomy. These might be religious- i.e. “the Bible says…” , but are clearly justifications by interpretive reasoning, rather than explanatory observations. Other arguments seem practical- focused on social acceptance- i.e. “We have a rule: boys behave this way. You will be ostracized if you don’t follow the rule.” These are meaningless- clearly circular and self-fulfilling, rather than based on natural fact.
There are arguments based on clinging to custom and keeping order- “This is the way it is/has always been.” These are empty of useful reason and full of unnecessary sacrifice.
What happens to our definition of ‘gender’ when we include the real boys and girls?
People are trying. There is a vigorous public discussion seeking new and better gender labeling. Looking at the Nordic countries, where there are many usefully descriptive words for ‘snow’ , we can see the value. To move in this direction, let’s look at the reality of human children.
Boys and girls are complex, capable beings. Gender roles as we know them are narrow ruts, drastically limiting personal experience and learning. Ignoring this brings a tragic loss of social wealth from lost human capital. Instead, let’s welcome the diversity of energy and creativity we seek to suppress.
I suspect we will find it is no longer very useful to talk about gender. Being a boy or girl defines reproductive physiology, and that is about it.
My true gender is male.
Now, would you like to know something more useful about me?
