I’m 69 now, and I’ve gone through a lot of coming out in the last few years. I think I have analyzed my trans issues thoroughly. But I wonder about that, since I still feel that desperation! When I am feeling in deficit I’ll grab even less than a minute to do a quick change- and feel that love for how I feel.

I love how I look- since it is me I am looking at. I don’t mind seeing facial hair or big feet in my image. I am a girl at that moment- a male girl. It is the problem of others to expand their view.

So I see the two things you mention are not really either/ or. They are related and separately difficult. First - cross-dressing. All my life I have been instinctively and demi-consciously reaching for the clothing that speaks the messages about me I want to show. In the ebb and flow of life and various demands and settings, finding and wearing the ‘right’ clothes has not been a simple matter.

Clothes made for females often don’t fit parts of my male body, adding a level of complication to all the other dimensions of choosing clothes [style, color, fabric, etc]. I fix that by making sewing alterations! Simple appreciation of my message is blotted out for most people by the sensation of incongruity of spotting a male in clothes made for females, and the rejections that everyone is trained to deliver. That is not something I can fix, but I find that if I am unconcerned about that, it is more difficult for others to sustain their beleif that there is ‘something wrong’.

To be fair, I see the fact that clothing for females is a loaded issue, and the source of endless hassle for them as well- even when nominally ‘allowed’ to enjoy it. I want everyone to enjoy their clothes and the masculine or feminine messaging inherent in it. I think some females do see that I am standing up for their freedom as well.

The second idea is the scope and meaning of ‘transgender’. I am very grateful and relish every second I spend in the world of female cultural privilege, such as it is. But the nature of the gender binary for me is that it splits the personhood- mine in partcular, in ways that do not feel natural or constructive over long periods. For me, most physical work is hugely benefitted by my masculine expressions. In interpersonal and recreational time, I most frequently see myself as feminine.

So I do run to my closet at every chance. In my mirror, ‘transgender’ is a simple,broad category including all who see beyond the idea of gender as an idealized binary reality with anatomy at the roots of its justification. The term ‘transgender’ in my book includes all of us who feel that the binary gender norms are there to be crossed, if not loosened for everyone. Those that transition fully in a direction, and those that are occasional gender tourists are all included in my book as ‘transgender’. All understand that gender is not a simple bifurcated trait. Our gender is the complex style we adopt for relationship in a particular context, and includes all sorts of choices for expression and feelings.

I believe the fundamental artificiality of the ‘gender norms’ obvious to every child being told how to behave because they are a male or female. They certainly know that their anatomy does not govern. It also doesnt take long to see the fuzziness of the elements of the norms, either. Just try to specify when a female is ‘unacceptably manly’ [answer- when those around her feel threatedened, or find her ‘unattractive’.] And certainly it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the real cost and limited benefit inherent in structure of the gender binary, as applied to, say, early childhood emotional development, marriage relationship quality, and optimizing economic and personal well-being via career and professional success.

We can do bettter, and the unfolding of our transgender personality takes time.