Yes, I am proposing that the discomfort of gender dysphoria is so common that we can rightfully consider it normal. And the social efforts made to suppress dysphoria are also ‘normal’. It is not talked about as a serious problem for most people- just part of the game of life. We are born, someone hollers “It’s a boy!” [or girl], we join the male or female team, and for the rest of our lives we do our best!
Gender discomfort is too much for some of us to sweep away, and we need to forge new paths in the world.
The American Psychiatric Association [APA] defines gender dysphoria this way:
“Gender dysphoria involves a conflict between a person’s physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify.”
The APA goes on to define gender dysphoria as a ‘disorder’ when the discomfort is ‘strong’ and seriously troublesome in everyday life.
The standard recognizes that dysphoria is a common experience, and punts it to a disorder when it is strong ‘enough’. But it isn’t a personal disorder- it is simply the natural human tendency to want to feel whole. Dysphoria is normal, not abnormal.
The evidence in front of our eyes is that most elements of gender expression are imposed on us. Kids have to be taught to aspire to idealized concepts that are oversimplified, and which then constrain or exaggerate what is actually normal and natural in them. Lately the trans^ /queer craze has brought a lot of dysphoria to the surface, and the larger society is trying to decide how to deal with the fact that gender norms are a poor fit.
Gender norms are highly refined and contextual, and reach in to our lives at every turn. The impact is substantial. A female is told she must be a servant or a princess, a plaything or a goddess. She was once told she couldn’t be a fighter pilot. She is still told she is not trusted to be in charge of anything important except the children, dinner, and readiness for sex. A male child is told he is a dummy or a prince, a leader or a mule, a hero or cheap cannon fodder. He used to be told he couldn’t and shouldn’t be a nurse. He is still is told he shouldn’t cry, apart from certain approved circumstances. Males are egged on to achievement, while females are caged. Gender = pain.
Quite a few people born without clear male or female identity, and are pushed into one of these groups as infants. Transgender people like me find themselves only at ease with some mashup of gender. We endure a lifetime of complex inner negotiations with gender.
Wherever we start, gender training is inescapably going to be an uncomfortable fit at some point.
There is always an undercurrent of resistance- children complaining about the imposition of gender requirements, teens rebelling against them, college students idealizing a more equal world, gender rights activists advocating for more recognition. The questions come to life again again every time a child steps outside the rulebook.
Gender roles create a huge net loss to society. But …they persist.
Differentiation of gender used to be necessary for survival. Males needed to stay on guard, to display strength and repel threats,etc. Females were specialized for nursing infants, skilled in daily care of the children, creating social cohesion, and …well- housework.
Sharply divided and traditional gender roles haven’t been that helpful for a long time, and the system has devolved into a culture of unjustified and inefficient male privilege, with a corresponding devaluation of females and loss of very significant human capital. People are speaking out against the predatory predilection of males and persistently unfair treatment of females.
These are glimmers of hope, as the border between gender roles is eroding. However, with the liberation of females comes the question of — how much. Will egalitarian fundamentals require males to be more, well, feminine? Thiss is hugely threatening, stirring up the fear that males would, from lack of use, lose their defensive strengths and prowess. virility and defensive prowess. Women are uneasy, too, about this ‘liberation’. Their future safety, risks in unknown social territory, how to gain agency and effectiveness without losing sexual attractiveness, and how to maintain aspects of femininity they may enjoy.
These are deep obstacles, triggering murky subconscious anxieties. So it may be that gender dysphoria will persist as a dark partner to our need for social safety.
But… if you find yourself in the company of a tomboy or mirl, make room for us. We can help find that sweet spot where gender is less of a burden for you as well.
