All that you have said applies to those of us who discover we are trans late in life, after marrying people who didn’t see the clues — to the degree that they were even visible. I am sympathetic to spouses- the M/F duality is trained into everyone as a fact,and integrated into every aspect of life from simple things like going to the bathroom to who is expected to be nice to others. To be fair, my wife feels threatened- evolutionary sociobiology is hard at work in her understanding of where safety lies. I am hoping that my lovingness, liberated by my reconnecting to my whole emotional self, will provide the answer.